The Vicious Circle
Updated: Jan 6
Vacations are supposed to be relaxing. They are meant to help you unwind, get away from the real world and just experience a different pace of life for a while. I love traveling, and I enjoy taking time away from #HamOnt when I can.
However, this past vacation I was stuck. The first few days I had the absolute hardest time unwinding and de-stressing. My mind was running a mile a minute constantly thinking about all my problems (or potential problems) that would await for me when I returned. I also didn't realize exactly how strictly I had begun to time out my days back home.
I've never really been one to be scheduled. I'm perpetually late (or right on time) and I have always liked to do things at my own pace. However over the past year or so, my "own pace" has become a very strictly regimented day....and I have NO idea how that happened...
I even have planned "relaxation/lazy" time. When the hell did I become this way?
The time in Costa Rica is slow. They only have 12 hours of sunshine a day, but the days feel twice as long. Their pace of life is even slower. If there is one person in line ahead of you at the grocery checkout, you'll be there for at least 10 minutes waiting. They just don't rush. They aren't in a hurry and they really don't care if you are or not.
This is literally the complete opposite of home.
I get anxiety trying to put my change back in my wallet in the drive-thru because I'm worried the cashier or the person behind me will get frustrated that I'm taking too long. If I don't run my ass off at work, the guests will get upset at their "slow" service and leave me a bad tip. If I drive too slow, people will honk. If I don't do *this this and this,* there will be consequences.
And I think this is why my days have become so scheduled. I have also become one of those people that are ALWAYS in a rush and always need things done NOW. If someone else messes up my schedule, I'll lose it. It's a vicious circle that never ends.
After a few days away, I was forced to relax. I was forced to let go of my schedule and just take it day by day. We would wake up in the morning and I'd ask what the plan for the day was, and no one really had an answer for me. This was so hard to get used to, but once I got into that pace and finally learned to just RELAX, I felt my anxieties slowly melting away.
Now that I'm back, I'm trying to just take my days just as slowly. No schedule, no timelines, no agendas. Being snowed in for a couple of days has helped, because I have been forced to stay indoors and be alone.
Once in a while I think we need to take a step back and evaluate our lives. There are so many factors that go into our day to day emotions, and I never realized that this vicious circle of anxieties was causing me to live my life so regimented and ultimately make me unhappy.
Being self-aware is so important, but sometimes we need a little kick-in-the-ass to notice it.